Posts tagged: relationships
We, not she, is why it didn’t work
The important thing to ask yourself before going back into the dating pool after a tough break-up is: Are you simply trying to fill a void?
That isn’t an easy question to answer (honestly)…because honestly, we all have a void of some kind or we wouldn’t be searching for love in the first place. But what if you came from a different angle altogether? From a place of abundance instead of scarcity?
Abundance is overflowing. Scarcity…like a sponge.
The frustrating thing is, most everyone says they want a great relationship and a great marriage but something, somewhere, or someone has told them that the great ones take little to no work.
The truth is, many people come in with a great resume. They say they want to work hard and be rewarded. They say they want to do something that matters, but when they get the job, it all goes down hill. Why? Because they don’t like the part called work. They have been told to, “just show up every day and you’ll move up the ladder”.
Clock in, clock out.
Stay late? No way. Come in early a few days per week? Am I getting paid for that…then no.
They don’t want a relationship, they want easy. No expectations. No performance reviews. No feedback.
Showing up should be enough, and if it’s not, then maybe we aren’t right for one another.
How can you figure out (early) if you are with a slug?
Ask. Lots. Of (uncomfortable) questions.
- Do you think great marriages take work or is it all about great chemistry where people just click…forever?
- What do you think of marriage/relationship books: useful tool or useless garbage?
- If I told you specifically what makes me happy, would you be willing to do those things even if they didn’t come naturally, simply because you love me?
- Do you think people that stay married forever don’t fall out of love?
Chemistry is great (and necessary), but the truest indicator of lasting relationships is consistent and self-less effort.
The thing with relationships is, everyone has one or two things that are completely unacceptable, even in marriage. For some it might be habitually lying or yelling (disrespect). For others, being home when you say you will be consistently might be a huge issue. Some can’t live with a partner that can’t keep their finances straight. Whatever the “can’t have” item(s) is, you have to honor it/them or face the unintended consequences of non-compliance.
Unintended consequences might include less time together, less intimacy, or more heated arguments…but the worst is callousness and the eventual emotional withdrawal from the relationship.
I am not excusing the person that emotionally withdraws by any means because I do believe marriage is forever, however, part of forever has to include honoring the other person with your respect by doing the things that makes them most feel loved by you and to also avoid the things that tears at the fabric of it. You can’t expect a person to give you undying love and affection if and when they have clearly conveyed to you the things that make them feel unloved and you continue to do them anyway?
The fissure in many relationships begins, not by one or two acts of defiance, but many over time that one either learns to reluctantly accept or (equally) worse, logs into a relationship “stamp” book that when full, means the end.
When you look at commitment-phobes closely, (and face it, many guys are) the root cause of this is the fear of unwanted consequences that may or may not come.
…The problem is, that is exactly what they bring by not committing. They (unknowingly) exacerbate the problem by over-protecting themselves, destroying any chance of a decent relationship thinking they are the only one who fears the future.
And if you ask them why they need a “guarantee” they will tell you they feel like they have more to lose by committing to you, as if they are the bigger prize?
So what separates the “serial monogamous” from the losers?
- Their belief that the person they are with is the person they are supposed to be with. This is based on principles, personality fit, respect, and shared goals/interests vs. mood(s), consecutive weeks of things not working out just right, and/or self-centeredness.
- Adaptability. These guys understand they will change over time and so will you…and they see that as a good thing because it probably means you will grow together. Again, this is in stark contrast to the commitment-phobe who will only commit if you stay exactly the same.
- Confidence. Confidence means that if and when changes occur (and they will), they are man enough to handle whatever the future holds. That is not to say they don’t desire a certain outcome per se, the difference is, they are good with whatever happens because they know you will be there with them. Things don’t have to fit into a neat little box for the two of you to work, they work because you are together, and that is enough.
