Forget for a second the fact that you can catch a disease or make a baby from the activity…what I would like to talk about is the quietly obnoxious heart issue and pain that people pretend doesn’t exist.

First, guys view sex COMPLETELY different than women.  Period.  For the creeps, it is a conquest of sorts. To the decent guy, it is a feeling they want to produce over and over again, with one or several others, until he decides to settle down (whatever that means?).  To the MAN, it is for marriage and marriage alone.  I am not saying you can’t find a nice guy, have sex for several years, marry, and then live somewhat happily ever after…because you can.  What I am saying is…the chances are on the low side that unmarried sex (read: all of the benefits of being married without actually taking the steps toward it) for years will produce a satisfying and great marriage down the road.  The terms “Satisfying and great” are completely subjective terms, I understand, what I mean to say is…that picture you have of those sick people that you see from a distance that have “it”.  They have been married for years.  They are openly affectionate.  They love each others company.  They have hobbies separate or not that they appreciate and participate in.  They rarely fight.  They are great parents, etc., etc.  You get the picture?  

I know, I know, not everyone can be in the top 5%…but why not strive for that, knowing it is there.  (Yes) It does exist, you just have to be determined to accept nothing less than IT.  

I want you to understand…not all guys that have sex before marriage or women for that matter are creeps.  Again, this isn’t a letter about the morality of sex.  It is about what results from doing it cavalierly.  

Physiologically, women are much different than men when it comes to sex.  Whether they like to admit it or not, it means something, but over time and with repeated exposures, it means less.  No emotion = deadened emotion.

As I have heard many, many times for the last year, having sex without a commitment is meaningless and empty.  Nothing happens.  He doesn’t fall more madly in love.  He doesn’t call you 10 more times per week.  Once it is done, it suddenly becomes THE focus on what once was somewhat of a relationship.  

I have said many times that Men will give Love to get sex, and Women will give sex to get Love and both will end up getting what they want…temporarily.  

Sex is not a commitment.  It is a temporary mirage without a ring.  Why is it so many couples experience sex problems AFTER marriage when before it they enjoyed what they thought was an ideal sex life?  Because IT was IDEAL for the guy—-No commitment!  Few strings!  For the woman, it was what she may have had to do to keep things going knowing that if she made a stand and said, “no ring, no sex”, he probably would have bailed (I dare you to try it some time).  

Women are unique in many ways!  When they have sex (or have children) they release a heavy dose of a chemical called Oxytocin.  It has been called the “Cuddling Chemical” by some.  Oxytocin is powerful.  It is what bonds a woman to a man (or child) and can have lasting affects.  Think of it as a powerful glue.  New research (probably from some whacked out Christian-freak group of doctors that watches Leave it to Beaver re-runs for hours per day) has shown that having multiple partners will lower a woman’s natural production of Oxytocin over time, and eventually, if she marries, less will be there for her husband.  

Dr. John Diggs (obvious knuckle-dragger) said, “It is like taking a piece of strong packing tape and applying it to a box. Leave it alone, and it will hold that box together for decades and decades. Take it off and re-apply it and, well… it just doesn’t hold as well anymore. Keep taking it off and applying it a taking it off and applying it and… I think you get the idea. This is what can happen to a woman who has multiple sex partners”.

Sick huh?  Comparing sex to tape and acting as if the tape will never bond right again…doesn’t Dr. Diggs understand it is 2011???

Do men release Oxytocin?  Yes, but at much, much lower levels than women and without the HUGE bond to an individual person that women have.  That is why men can have sex with many different people and act as if it doesn’t matter (it is like getting the high score on a video game over and over again) while a woman can’t …unless she conditions herself to try and not care (even though she can’t deny her natural make-up).  

This is usually where I would bash guys, get no emails from them and go on, but both PARTIES are at fault.  

When you guys have sex cavalierly, whether you care or not, you are ruining it for the next guy…and hurting her more than you know in the process.  Is it really worth the 10-15 minute “release”, free rent, shared bills, and a future you know will never be?

When you gals do the same thing, you ruin it for your future husband…because believe me, every guy you have sex with before him will be a layer of “adhesive” lost (or a piece of your heart that never grows back) you could have given him.  

This is not to say you can’t turn things around (for both of you), but it will be much more of a conscious process you will have to undertake and commit to.  

Those who have had few, if any partners before marriage (and who unfortunately later divorce) will tell you the difference in marrying younger and marrying later is HUGE when it comes to the bond they experience from their first wife to their second.  It isn’t because one or the other doesn’t truly love the person, it’s physiological.   

 Again, these things can be re-learned, but it is much easier (sexually/emotionally speaking) to have sex with your husband or wife only.

My sincere desire is for YOU, if you are reading this now, to understand and feel what it is like to experience marriage as it was intended.  To experience love at a level few I have met in my life live daily.  It is there…I hope you will hold out for it.

- Dad