(Part 2 of the message):  

I’m used to now. My career is starting and going well, and I just don’t want to give that up. Studies have shown that the more even the work/housework/childcare in a home, the less likely the couple are to divorce. I want something like that, but I’m not sure how to go about setting that standard and having that discussion before marriage. I’m not even close to there yet, but I think about it because I want the very best and happy life I can make for myself.

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Ideal?  Mom at home, Dad working.  In my first marriage, my wife graduated high school one year early, had her bachelors a year early and by 20.5 had her Masters.  She had one B (in Tennis…of all things) her sophomore year of college, the rest of her life was straight A’s.  She could have worked anywhere for anyone, anywhere, and had unlimited potential.  The day my daughter was born, she put all of that aside and believed raising our daughter was her highest calling despite her IQ or earning potential.  

Can you imagine that for a second?  Being that intelligent, racing through school, “throwing away” such potential to do the menial task of changing diapers and cleaning up puke?  Passing on the new Mercedes?  Skipping dinners with $100 bottles of wine at Ruth Chris?  Putting a lucrative career at a huge (evil) pharmaceutical company aside?

That was our life, based on our morals.  Is that for everyone?  Obviously not in 2012. 

You asked me my opinion…and my opinion is, I love children more than I love money…and my wife shared the same view.  I think children are a blessing from God.  Not a nuisance.  Not arm candy.  Not a checkmark.  And certainly not something I would farm out to someone paid a little more than minimum wage, I probably never even had dinner with, visited their home, or quizzed them about their personal beliefs to make sure they resemble my own.  I think it is grossly self-centered to knowingly bring a child into the world to only 12-14 weeks later dump them at a day care for 7-9 hours per day so after paying for a car, nice(r) clothing, lunches at Panera, and a bigger house, a person has really netted what in income?

I have known you via tumblr for some time, so I don’t believe you will take to cowardly throwing rocks and say, “This guy is the biggest misogynist”…because if anyone takes the time to read my two and a half years worth of writings, I hope they see that I love women, and I love children.  

This isn’t a woman problem as much as it is a lack of MEN standing up and being men problem.  What is wrong with taking a lessor car GUYS?  What is wrong with living in a house the size your grandparents lived in 60 years ago?  What is wrong with living on a budget instead of debt?  I believe our priorities are all wrong.  We are chasing, as Brad Pitt’s character in Fight Club outlines, the “perfect” guy.  

The “perfect” guy doesn’t succumb to commercials that tell him what to wear, the size his house needs to be or if he needs a Polo symbol on his shirts.  The highest calling of a Man should be the way he treats his wife, his children and how he loves his maker…not the superficial crap that we (and I am guilty of this too) chase for temporal happiness.  

It breaks my heart to hear younger people and those my age try and pass off this, “I am trying to create a better life for my kids so that’s why I work so hard (and have a house double my grandparents size, have two NICE cars, spend 4k on vacations, spend $500 on my kids Christmas etc.).  If people are really interested in creating a better life for their children, they would live on less, and spend less…and most importantly actively raise their own children.  If taking a position of humility sounds weak, it is only because you value what others think over what your family does. 

Validation from “others” is the surest path to unhappiness I have encountered in my thirty-nine years.

…and after all of that “woman-bashing”, let me say to you personally: work if you want.  Make as much as you can.  Enjoy yourself.  Discover your highest calling….but know you can’t have it all.  

I know people who live in giant houses with empty rooms, and quiet dining rooms that their families never gather in.  I see big yards but no one to play catch with.  I see kids decked in Abercrombie & Fitch or Polo or whoever society deems is cool pecking on iphones…who have no connection to their parents.  I “get” to read personal emails from MANY of you telling me how divorce has wrecked your life and how the empty promise of one night stands and commitment-less relationships has left you desolate.  

I am sorry…but the way this question is answered, I am convinced, is the root cause of many of our problems.  My advice?  Break the cycle.

Thanks for the question.

A “proper” date means two of you one on one.  The place doesn’t matter as much as the intentionality of making sure it is just the two of you.

If this keeps happening over and over again, where it is just two of you but feels like a hangout, say…to meet at the coffee shop or for dessert somewhere, simply say (with a smile), “Are you asking me out”?  

He will either say, “yes, I guess so” and laugh with you or try to justify why it is just a hangout.  Force him to say which it is.  You’ll jump high on his respect-o-meter and you’ll force him to step up his manliness, all good things.

On a side note…and now let me get on my soapbox…it is increasingly disturbing to hear about the number weenies my generation has raised (but really this is just a manifestation of the daycare/divorce generation), but I get many, many private messages reinforcing what you are saying.  

There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but when a guy can’t muster the courage to ask you out then I wonder how this will look down the road with kids, bosses, neighbors, etc., etc.  

You can help him man-up to a degree but if I were a young lady, I would look for the Gentleman that understands what I am saying.  Bold but humble.  Confident, not boisterous.  Kind, but would never let anyone trample over them.

- Dad